Space flicks - the prime target of special effects aficionados. Either you've got it or you don't. Or do you? Starcrossers puts this quote to the test with a very mediocre Special FX performance that neither dazzles nor dumbfounds. The plain vanilla of Movies. The story on the other hand, is out-of-the-hat crazy.

The film starts with a ship sailing out from a big blue planet. Who are they, and where are they coming from? That's not the important part, I guess, since the film fails to address this basic issue. So, with no reason to care about these space bums, we are left to freely laugh at them and not care for their plight. Attention movie producers: this is not how you want your audience to feel. Just FYI.

They, whoever they are, land on a huge ship for absolutely no reason. And, further without provication, they blow the damn thing up. Why? Why did they blow up this ship? Did it belong to an enemy? Is it evil? Why do I keep asking questions that will never get answered? *sigh* Let's move on.

Not long after the explosion rocks their escaping vessel, a grim looking dude that we saw for some 1.5 seconds back on the now-blown-up ship is chasing the getaway ship in a UFO and reading the good guys the riot act. I think. He doesn't look happy, in any case. Then, in an act of complete idiocy, the captain of our 'hero's" ship is mad at this escapee. Why? Because he lived through your arson attempt? He was just minding his own business, and you blew his ship up! He has a right to be peeved! Hell, I'm peeved at you for him, so sit down and shut up, ok?

We now get the obligitory space battle. And what a battle it is. Both ships make a few passes at each other, and not one shot is landed. I think it has something to do with that the grim guy's laser extends about 40 feet from his ship and then - for no apparent reason - stops. Short-range fire, indeed. Let's see, what could make this less coherent? How about a third unexplained ship? Yup, we've got that too, as another huge capital ship flies in, guns a-blazing. At this point I was hoping that the good guys were finally done for, since I'd long since turned on them. No such luck. The captial ship blows up the UFO instead. In the raging fire aboard his downed ship, the grim dude looks solemnly out towards the camera, and you just know he's crying under that mask. He didn't bother anyone but still got blown up twice. Poor guy, we feel for you.

After landing on the capital ship our 'heroes' are given, well, a Hero's Welcome. Why?  I don't know, maybe their goal is to blow up all innocent ships in the universe. If so, they've succeeded. On the other hand, maybe their goal was to tick off all viewers of this movie. If so, they succeded at that, too. Two badges. Barely.

Two Badges